Why Do I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough? Understanding Low Self-Esteem
Why Do I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough? Understanding Low Self-Esteem
You might know that you're capable. You might have a good job, strong relationships, qualifications, achievements or people who genuinely value you.
And yet, there can still be a persistent feeling that you're not good enough.
Maybe you compare yourself with other people, question your decisions or replay conversations afterwards. Perhaps you find it difficult to accept compliments, feel uncomfortable taking up space or worry that other people will eventually realise you're not as capable as they think.
Sometimes you can recognise that these thoughts aren't completely logical and still find that they feel very real.
This is one of the confusing things about low self-esteem. Knowing you're capable and feeling capable are not always the same thing.
What does “not good enough” actually mean?
Low self-esteem is not simply thinking badly about yourself.
Self-esteem relates to the way you see and evaluate yourself, including how you view your qualities, abilities and worth.
You might generally function well while carrying a strong underlying sense that you are falling short.
For some people, this sounds like:
“I'm not doing enough.”
“I should be better at this.”
“Everyone else seems to have it together.”
“I don't want to get this wrong.”
“They're going to realise I don't really know what I'm doing.”
“I need to keep everyone happy.”
“Other people's needs matter more than mine.”
“If I make a mistake, it says something about me.”
These thoughts can become particularly noticeable during periods of stress, change, criticism, conflict or uncertainty.
Where does low self-esteem come from?
There isn't always one clear cause.
The way you see yourself can develop through many experiences over time. This might include criticism, rejection, bullying, difficult relationships, feeling different or not belonging, or growing up in an environment where your needs and emotions weren't consistently understood or valued.
Sometimes there is a significant experience that has had a lasting impact. Sometimes it is the accumulation of many smaller experiences.
You may have learned, directly or indirectly, that being successful, useful, agreeable, quiet, attractive, independent or high-achieving was important for being accepted.
Over time, experiences like these can influence the beliefs you hold about yourself.
You might come to believe:
I'm not good enough.
I don't matter.
I can't trust myself.
I have to get things right.
I need to keep other people happy.
These beliefs don't necessarily sit at the front of your mind all the time. They can show up more subtly through the way you respond to mistakes, relationships, conflict or uncertainty.
Why doesn't knowing better always make the feeling go away?
This is something many people find frustrating.
You might be able to tell yourself:
“I know I'm actually doing okay.”
You might even be able to list all the evidence that you're competent and worthy.
But another part of you still feels anxious, ashamed or uncertain.
That's because self-esteem isn't only about what you consciously think. Your responses can also be influenced by emotions, expectations and patterns that have developed through your experiences.
So telling yourself to “just be more confident” doesn't necessarily change the underlying pattern.
It can be more useful to understand what happens when that feeling of not being good enough gets activated.
Do you start comparing yourself with other people?
Do you work harder?
Do you avoid making decisions?
Do you seek reassurance?
Do you become perfectionistic?
Do you apologise or take responsibility even when something isn't your fault?
Do you put your own needs aside?
These responses can make sense in the moment, particularly if they have helped you feel safer, more accepted or more in control. But over time, they can keep you focused on proving your worth rather than experiencing it.
How low self-esteem can affect everyday life
Low self-esteem doesn't always look like low confidence.
You might be successful and still struggle with self-doubt.
You might be confident in some areas of your life but become very uncertain when relationships, criticism or mistakes are involved.
You might find yourself:
constantly trying to improve
comparing yourself with other people
overthinking decisions
replaying conversations
struggling to accept praise
feeling responsible for other people's feelings
finding it difficult to say no
avoiding situations where you might fail or be judged
becoming highly self-critical after making a mistake
feeling like your achievements don't really count
worrying that you're going to be “found out”
These patterns can be exhausting. What might begin as an attempt to improve, avoid mistakes or maintain relationships can gradually become a constant sense that you need to do more, be better or get things right.
Why do I feel like a fraud when I know I'm capable?
Sometimes low self-esteem can look like impostor syndrome.
You might have evidence that you're competent, but still feel that your success was luck, that you haven't done enough or that other people have overestimated your ability.
This can create a difficult cycle.
You achieve something, but instead of allowing yourself to feel proud, you explain it away.
You receive positive feedback, but wonder whether the person really means it.
You make a mistake, and suddenly it feels like proof that your doubts were right all along.
If this sounds familiar, you may also be interested in impostor syndrome and the feeling of being a fraud.
Can EMDR therapy help with low self-esteem?
EMDR is often associated with PTSD and trauma, but it can also be used when distressing experiences have contributed to persistent negative beliefs about yourself.
The focus isn't simply on changing the belief “I'm not good enough” into a more positive statement.
Where EMDR is appropriate, therapy can explore experiences, memories, emotions, body responses and beliefs connected with the pattern.
For example, someone may know intellectually that they are competent but still experience a strong sense of shame or inadequacy when they make a mistake. Understanding and working with the experiences connected with that response may be more useful than simply telling themselves to think positively.
EMDR is a structured, eight-phase therapy. Preparation comes before processing, so therapy does not automatically begin with processing difficult memories. The early phases involve understanding your history, identifying relevant patterns and developing the resources needed for the work.
If you'd like to understand how EMDR works in more detail, you can read about the eight phases of EMDR therapy.
When might it be worth getting support?
You don't need to have extremely low confidence or a particular diagnosis to seek help.
It may be worth exploring therapy if you notice that self-doubt or self-criticism is affecting your:
relationships
work or study
ability to make decisions
boundaries
willingness to try new things
ability to enjoy your achievements
sense of who you are
overall quality of life
You also don't need to know exactly where your low self-esteem came from before starting therapy.
Understanding can happen gradually.
You don't have to keep proving that you're good enough
Low self-esteem can be surprisingly persistent, particularly when it has developed through repeated experiences rather than one obvious event.
The goal isn't to convince yourself that you're perfect or never doubt yourself again.
It can be about developing a different relationship with yourself, understanding the patterns that keep self-doubt going and becoming less controlled by the feeling that you need to prove your worth.
If you'd like support with persistent low self-esteem, self-criticism, people pleasing or feeling like you're not good enough, you can read more about self-esteem counselling in Adelaide and online.
